Stop Looking for “the One”

It’s easy to see why dating gets a bad rap. 

Dating can be intimidating. It can be exhausting. It can be overwhelming if you’re unfamiliar with the latest dating app, or you’re simply not interested in “swiping right”. It might feel superficial and vacuous, or like it’s just a numbers game. 

Maybe you’re healing from a breakup, or you’re realizing it’s time to “get back out there”, but you have a certain level of resistance or feeling of dread. You’re not alone.

Oftentimes, when the clients I work with have a hard time reentering the dating world, what’s happening, perhaps unconsciously, is that they are placing a whole lot of pressure onto themselves, the other person, and the whole process, making it a miserable experience.

What I see is that many of my clients have an unspoken hope that they meet a Magic Person who will solve a problem for them, or fix their lives in some way. They have donned their rucksack and walking stick and are on the Hero’s quest to find The One. 

The sole purpose of dating when approached through this angle is to find that person to spend the rest of their lives with. And at one level this mindset is completely valid —why else would you be dating if not to meet that special person?

The downside of this approach is it sets up a dynamic where 99% are going to fail, and that kind of zero-sum game might feel debilitating after a while. It may begin to feel like a Herculean task to sift through a mound of people to find the One and Only. It’s easy to see how one might lose hope or throw in the towel.

Another downside of viewing dating through that lens is that you’re probably not being totally yourself, if you’ve got your binoculars out, looking for the One. With all the vetting and judging, checking boxes and analyzing you might be doing, you are also likely bringing along your own Representative, in hopes that you make the best of impressions and meet the criteria you think the other person has for you. And that in itself can be a tough and exhausting charade to keep up.

But here is where I’d like to introduce a new way of looking at the whole thing of dating, where maybe it’s possible to find some enjoyment in the process instead of suffering through it. 

So, let’s start with this simple question: What if you drop the idea that you’re dating to find the One?

What if you use dating as a practice to finally be yourself?

What if, instead of thinking about it from a goal-oriented perspective, you think instead about how you would like the process to feel? What are some emotions you would like to replace the dread with? Excitement? Curiosity? Openness? 

Then, what would your intention with dating have to be if you wanted to feel this way or create those feelings?

What if your intention was just to go out and have fun? Can you switch the underlying question from “is this my person?” to “how can I have fun?” How can you come away from this experience with a good story, or some new insight or a widened perspective?

Or, what if we used the dating process as an opportunity to work on our communication skills? A date is a wonderful and low-risk arena to practice boundaries, communicate your feelings, or work on keeping dialogue alive. So at the end of the day, a second or third date actually doesn’t matter. As long as the time was interesting, it was a win. 

What if we used dating as a platform to develop self psycho-spiritually? You could view every person you meet as an entire universe waiting to be cracked open by the quality of your questions. They come with a whole history behind them, as well as hopes and dreams and new perspectives that could potentially widen and enrich your own world view. 

Very different than suffering through just to get to the other side of coupledom, isn’t it?

Ultimately, the more you can relish the gift of being single and the exploration process of dating with gratitude, the more likely it is you’ll bring excitement and positive emotions to the experience, and actually meet someone who will knock your socks off. 

Why? Because your ability to enjoy exactly where you’re at in the moment is what you’re presenting to a potential partner, and if you’re having fun and being yourself without bringing along your Representative, you’re attractive. But if you’re presenting criticism, and merely tolerating the experience of “yet another date that probably won’t go anywhere”, that too comes through and guess what — it’s not attractive. 

How has this landed for you? Can you relate to these ideas? If you’re ready to take that next step and dip a toe back into the dating pond but feel like you need to clear out some negative perceptions around the experience or yourself, send me an email at [email protected]. I’d love to hear what’s real for you with this.

If you’d like a guide to help navigate the dating waters, tune into our webinar: The Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready—How to Attract and Keep A High Quality Man. This webinar will teach you how to notice if you’re powerless around men, distinguish subconscious roles that a lot of women fall into, and reorient yourself so you can rewrite your love story. Click this link to find a time that works for you.