There is No Such Thing as “Self-Sabotage” (Here’s Why…)

What if I were to tell you there’s no such thing as self-sabotage?

You might be thinking, “But then how do we explain those times when we get really close to achieving something we want or are on the brink of getting involved with someone we’re really interested in, and then somehow we ruin it?

How do you explain that??”

Personally, I feel the world is filled with enough potentially harmful things I need to watch out for, let alone my own brain sabotaging me.

Having to turn that watchful eye inward breeds even more fear and (self-hate) that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, where I’m paralyzed and too scared to act.

I might not feel like I could take risks because some unevolved part of me would ruin the hard work I’ve done to get what I want.

To me, that feels like a dangerous place to live, where there’s always something to fear – if not from the world, then from your own self!

So let’s reframe it to something far more empowering and useful than self-sabotage…

What’s actually happening is self-protection rather than self-sabotage.

It works like this: When we want something, often what we don’t recognize consciously is that getting what we want will come with its own set of problems.

So, for example, if I’m single and want a relationship, a whole set of new problems will come with that.

Maybe, if I really was honest, the idea of being partnered means I’m going to suffer a loss of freedom or have to be obligated to someone and feel like my independence will be compromised, which feels like a huge threat to my identity — one I’m not sure how I’ll deal with.

Some part of me might believe that the problems of being single — what I’ve known and am actively managing — is a safer set of problems than the unknowns that go along with a new relationship.

This is how our nervous systems and unconscious minds operate.

Your unconscious knows that you can survive within your current circumstances (being single) because you’ve been doing it.  You have evidence!

But it also knows that reaching beyond and into the unknown, trying to achieve something new, will present you with new problems that might be scarier and riskier than your current ones, and that puts your system on high alert.

So, if you think of this as self-protection, you can stop blaming yourself and thinking something’s wrong with you, and instead get curious about what it is you’re trying to protect.

What is it that you are valuing that is secretly more important than what you want?

What would be the worst thing about finally getting what you want?

Or, how about this: up until now, what is it that you’ve been honoring that has had you in a place that may have felt like you were stuck?

When you answer these questions, maybe you realize you don’t have to let go of what you had thought you would.

Or, maybe you realize you don’t want what you thought you wanted.

My job as a coach is to help you excavate these ideas and take a look at the inner workings of where your life is going well, and then also take a look at where it could stand to change to become even better.

A lot of times this type of self-inquiry requires the guidance of a coach to help you piece through your own programming.  It can be difficult to see your own story.  It’s kind of like trying to see your own eyeball!