Over the last several months, my business partner and I have been working with a community of women in a program we developed called, “Becoming the One”. The sole focus of this program is to help single women adjust their perspectives—about relationships, themselves, and myths they’ve been told— so that they can come into a mindset that not just embraces where they are in life, but also opens the door to inviting love in, in a new way than before.
We have seen a ton of women transform their relationships with themselves as they go from single to partnered, with certain themes arise along the way.
Today I’d like to share with you these secret gems in the hopes that they can help you shift in a positive way in your personal journey. Use them as signposts along the way for your own journey, and keep in mind that they may arise in no particular order.
- She comes into rapport with being single.
For these women, being single isn’t something they look at as a fallen state, merely tolerating it with impatience, pining for a relationship to happen NOW. You see, discomfort with the present state can be a major block to showing up as our best selves if we can’t come to peace and accept what is. If we’re always searching for something better than the present moment, we miss what’s right in front of us, which may include the right guy! The women who go from single to partnered embrace where they’re at and come alive in the gift of the present moment without wanting to hurry it along and be somewhere other than exactly where they're at.
- There is a return of self-empowerment.
For these women, this may happen as a result of them finding rapport with themselves and their single state. Empowered women spend less time with the wrong man or trying to change a man, and more time creating space for that right man to come in. They say no to the things that aren't aligned so they can say yes to that which is. They’re not afraid of having some firm and courageous conversations (approached lovingly) with the men they’re dating in order to cut through the bullshit. They let the wrong men go, so there’s room for the right ones to come in. And this happens not from a place of bitterness, but as a way to come back to themselves and return their power by separating the wheat from the chaff.
- They start to see relationships and dating as a path to spiritual growth and self development.
Dating is no longer a win/lose game, to be viewed as a failure or wasted time if something doesn’t work out. Instead, women who go from single to partnered metabolize all the learning experiences coming their way as deep spiritual growth, seeing that dating is a playing field to develop a more integrated sense of being, versus a losing game which is anxiety producing. If there’s no losing and no fear of failure, everything is a learning experience. They don’t have to protect themselves from truly being seen by someone because it doesn’t matter — it’s all just fodder for growth.
- They release “introjection”.
This means that they stop making his actions mean something about them—they stop taking it personally. Maybe he dropped off the map, isn’t calling back, doesn't want a relationship, or whatever. Women who go from single to partnered see that this other person they’re dealing with is a human with needs, wounds, fears, desires, values, etc. They understand this not just at an intellectual level, but they have an embodied understanding that allows a relationship with reality. This allows for detachment and perspective, rather than trying to twist and distort themselves into someone they think this person wants, which ultimately would remove them from their authenticity and power. Women who go from single to partnered stop making it about them.
- Life & men begin to occur differently to them.
There is a cynicism that begins to melt away of “all men are cheaters, commitment phobes, don’t want relationships, etc.”. Successful women on this journey stop looking for evidence of this in their external world, because they know they can find it if they look, but all it’s doing is serving to keep them stuck. Cynicism can serve a purpose and act as a protection from getting hurt, but it also acts as an armour that prevents people from seeing the person underneath it. And it comes at the cost of distorting the ability to see what’s true in the present moment. For these women, they drop their cynicism, and replace it with grounded optimism: They believe there are good men, men they could trust, that they don't have to do anything to be loved by them – including performing, distorting themselves and overgiving. They believe they are enough and embrace the power of being themselves.
- What they’ve previously seen as weaknesses become their greatest qualifying tools.
Perhaps at one point these women berated themselves for being “old fashioned” or prudish because they held certain values they wouldn’t compromise on. This in turn may have made them feel insecure that maybe (for example), if they didn’t put out immediately, their man wouldn’t stick around. The shift that happens with this mindset is that this quality of holding to their values is what makes them able to sniff out if the man in front of them is in alignment with them, or if he has other intentions that aren’t matched with theirs. This “weakness” could be anything, essentially it’s a part of you that makes you unique, something you bring to the table as an embodied offering of your humanness. Embracing this can be massively transformative.
- More effort is not required to create the love you want.
This might feel paradoxical. It requires releasing a certain energy of anxiety, frustration and “doingness” that prevents you from being fully open and completely yourself. Women who make this shift begin to trust life and themselves more, and get the felt experience that something bigger than them (God, the Universe, Spirit, the Goodness of Life, etc) has their back. They let go of the constant efforting to “make it work” and instead start to move into a state of relaxed flow where they trust life is taking them where they need to go.
That’s it! Those are the seven mindset shifts that seem to be the hallmarks of women who move from single to partnered. I invite you to inquire into your own life and to see where you might be blocking or resisting any of these, which ones might be giving you trouble, or which ones are easier to embrace.
I’d love to hear where you’re at in this process. Send me an email at [email protected] and let me know how this landed for you. And if you feel like you’d need a professional nudge to help you move along in the process, fill out this application to see if we might be a good fit for some 1:1 coaching.
If you’d like a guide to help navigate the dating waters, tune into our webinar: The Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready—How to Attract and Keep A High Quality Man. This webinar will teach you how to notice if you’re powerless around men, distinguish subconscious roles that a lot of women fall into, and reorient yourself so you can rewrite your love story. Click this link to find a time that works for you.