We often talk about addiction in negative terms—alcohol, drug, sex, even video games, hours spent on the couch trying to conquer Fortnite. But is an addiction to love a bad thing?
When you make him addicted to you, you make him love you, you make him want you, and you make him think about you all the time. In the beginning, this can feel like it’ll set a strong foundation for a flourishing union. And it also gives you confidence, the sense that he won’t leave and break your heart. In essence, an addiction to you offers you protection of self. And that makes it attractive.
A lot of women seek this because of previous relationships where they’ve been the one who felt addicted. And, as a result, they were rendered powerless, voiceless, and completely under their lover’s spell. They had their emotions trampled on and their planned futures crush.
So, they vow to never let that happen again, striving to flip the switch and take back their power once and for all.
If this sounds familiar, you might not be asking yourself the right questions.
Rather than asking, “How do I make him obsessed with me?”
“How do I make him addicted to me?”
“How do I make him fall in love with me over and over again to the point where he relies on me for his happiness?,”
you should really be asking, “What kind of man am I going to attract if I want to find one who will do all these things?”
The answer: probably an addict. Addicts get addicted to things and they can get addicted to people just the same. This isn’t to say that a relationship with an addict is always a sinking ship—it’s possible to have a successful relationship with people dealing with all sorts of demons.
But, a relationship with an addict, more times than not, leads to co-dependence. This is especially true if the foundation is built on the addiction itself.
Not only must you deal with the dating dilemma of codependence, but a relationship with an addict also creates a perpetuating power play and a zero-sum game played between both the addict and the person who has all the power: you. It might feel good to have all the control, but a good relationship can’t exist within this dynamic.
So, how do you break this cycle? How do you take back your power without finding someone who is powerless? How can you be powerful without having power over another? How can you feel confident without needing someone dependent on you?
Think of it in terms of old versus new: in old definitions, power often means having the upper hand over a person or persons. Imagine Mussolini speaking to the masses as they hang upon his every word, roaring applause and with tear-swelled eyes.
The more progressive, and fair and healthy, definition of power isn’t about other people at all: it’s about personal power. In other words, it’s about finding your voice and standing firmly in your authenticity. It’s not about getting under their skin; it’s about feeling comfortable in your own skin.
When you can do that, you find yourself attracted to healthier people (and, as a result, healthier relationships emerge). You find a man not addicted to you but connected to you because he sees the real you and the real value you bring to the table and he loves you for that.
You’re not compromising yourself. You’re not making yourself small. You’re not getting a mask from the costume department and putting on a show. You’re doing you.
Perhaps this sounds threatening, new territory you have never traversed. If so, you’re not alone—for a long time, dating has been about acting a certain way, wearing a certain outfit, laughing at his jokes even when they’re terrible, dumbing yourself down so that he feels smart.
Now, dating is about being you, through and through. As it should have been all along.
If you’d like a guide to help navigate these foreign waters, tune into our webinar: The Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready—How to Attract and Keep A High Quality Man. This webinar will teach you how to notice if you’re powerless around men, distinguish subconscious roles that a lot of women fall into, and reorient yourself so you can rewrite your love story. Click this link to find a time that works for you.