Trust In Relationships & Dating: How to Operate from Secure Attachment

Trust is a prevalent theme in our society.

Trust in self. Trust in partner. Trust the process. Trust the Universe. But, despite its prominence, many people don’t know how to trust. Or, if they’ve been burned, they don’t know how to trust again. This is entirely detrimental to a relationship; it’s like taking a needle to an inflated balloon. The reason is simple: without trust, a relationship is really just two people giving each other the side-eye.

That doesn’t mean trust is always easy—some of us, both men and women, are unable to trust because of previous trauma and pain we have endured. Trusting someone is risky and we may have been hurt so badly that we are unwilling to take a strep towards anything that risks the heart. Some of us are shut down and closed off.

So, what happens here? What occurs when you elude trust? Can you cultivate a relationship that is “just good enough”? Can you fake it? The answer is: hell no. When trust is absent, insecurity steps into its shoes. And this doesn’t cultivate a healthy relationship; it only cultivates an avoidant or anxious attachment style.

So “how do I start trusting?”

While you may be nodding your head at the above, you might also be scratching it too and wondering in what ways you are treating this concept of trust incorrectly.

A lack of trust starts when you fail to allow yourself to be fully in a relationship, even in the beginning stages. You may hold back and pretend to be someone you’re not, fearing rejection if the true you is revealed. You may put your energy into several people (rather than that one you really like) as a way to hedge your bets and convince yourself that one of them will stick. You might refuse to date someone because you assume that – somewhere down the road – they will hurt you.  This isn't to say that you shouldn't trust your instincts, but notice where you may be mistaking your instincts with insecurity.

What happens when we trust? When you can trust in dating, in men, in life, it allows you to show up in your full expression of playfulness (which is attractive!). It allows you to open your heart and allow people to see you for who you are. It allows you to find someone you are truly compatible with.

Trust is what lets you reveal the vulnerabilities inside yourself, the things that connect you with people. In real relationships, people don’t generally care about how much money you make or what kind of car you drive or the jewellery you wear.  Tell them, instead, about your desires. Tell them about your fear. Reveal how you feel and your boundaries. That stuff is real. Everything else is a pretence upon which trust can not survive.

Trust not only allows you to reveal your gifts, but it also allows you to receive this gifts from others.  You model what type of connection you're wanting through trust and give them the opportunity to step up and reveal the same.  However, if you lack trust, you enter into a relationship where you assume the worst about the person who you are dating and adopt a “guilty until proven innocent” mentality. This leaves the person you’re dating feeling inadequate in some cases because instead of being themselves, they'll be silently working to remove the silent accusations you've place on them.

Men, on an innate level, want to impact the woman they are with, they want to impact her emotionally or physically or spiritually. They want to feel as if there is a place for them in your life. This can’t be achieved without trust; the defense can’t be penetrated without opening to some leap of faith.

Sometimes, this defense is viewed as playing hard to get or presenting a challenge, which can leave the man chasing after you momentarily. It feels good—of course—but it’s short-lived. After the challenge is over, the interest abates as well.

This lack of trust can also lead to attracting the wrong kind of guy (or people who also have trust issues), which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy where you're just confirming the negative beliefs you already have about men.

The invitation, therefore, is to begin shifting your perspective so that you can start to find and look for the type of men who are in line with the things that you want in life. These men are out there, but you have to be open to risk in order to find them.  When you trust that who you are is good enough, you open your true self to be seen by the men around you.  The ones not qualified will fall away, while the ones that are match will stick around.  If you're wanting to take this understanding to a deeper level, register for this free masterclass 3 Keys to Being Relationship Ready

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About the Author

Clayton Olson

Clayton has been empowering individuals and couples from around the world to find harmony and authenticity in their relationships. With a background in Professional Coaching and Neuro Linguistic Programming, Clayton takes a holistic approach to carefully reconstructing what is truly possible for his clients. Through his work he has revitalized relationships, brought together lost loves, and witnessed clients find their soul mates. Clayton's content has been seen on Fox news magazine, Huffington post, the Goodmen project and he's even had an article featured on The View.