It's time to move on. Here's how.
Learning how to move on after a breakup is hard.
If getting over someone was as simple as “getting under” someone else, break-ups might be a little easier. Instead, it’s time-consuming and often painful enough to make us wonder if asexual creatures actually have the right idea.
Still, getting over a breakup isn’t impossible. Millions of people do it every day (and perhaps you’ve done it before as well). Yet realizing a few truths helps make the process not only easier but more productive, too.
First, learning how to move on is more than learning how to stop pining for your lost love.
It’s also about learning what you may unconsciously be holding onto, and how this grip is stopping you from becoming complete — something you must be, in order to 1) fully move on OR 2) reconcile with your ex-flame.
Many times, when we are stuck in a state of suffering, we're stuck in a place of feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling helpless and hopeless.
That's because we possess a set of foundational beliefs that guide us. And often they guide us in the wrong direction.
But when you change these beliefs, you arm yourself with the power to change yourself, as well. You discard these beliefs for the truths that lie beneath them.
So, exactly what are these beliefs that are worthy of re-examining? They include the following:
1. I can't afford to take another 30 or 45 years to find another person who is just as good as the last one. I don't have it in me.
On the surface, this belief already seems like an exaggeration. Odds are, it didn’t take you 30 years to find your first love — unless you started dating in utero.
Instead, it took you that long to gain the emotional maturity to be ready for a relationship. Now that you’ve gained it, it’s not going anywhere.
Creating a new relationship that is better than the old one is going to be much easier, because you'll be standing on the shoulders of the previous ones.
2. My ex must not have ever really loved me, this relationship must not have meant anything to them.
Another common belief among those hoping to learn how to get over a breakup is that their relationship was a farce.
But, odds are, anyone who stayed with you did, in fact, love you; why would they have stuck around, otherwise?
Rarely does a relationship end because there was no love involved; instead, it ends because there was a mismatch in values or deep breakdown in communication. In the off chance that the relationship truly didn't mean anything to them, then that's their loss.
Better to know it meant something to you and that the time was not wasted.
3. We had the PERFECT relationship.
If the relationship was perfect, it’d still exist and you wouldn't be reading this article.
It’s not that it was perfect, it’s that now that it’s gone, you’re only remembering the most wonderful parts of it. You're not seeing the full picture, just the highlight reel.
This isn’t worth holding onto because it can set you up to only pursue “perfect” relationships in the future when, in reality, there’s no such thing.
Realize that if the relationship ended, it had to end. If one person is miserable enough in the relationship to end it, they're doing both parties a favor in the long-run.
4. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Another belief people harbor is that they’ve experienced nothing so awful before. And this is understandable: breakups hurt!
But what if the pain that you're feeling and the helplessness and hopelessness are tools in disguise? What if these are the tools that you can use to begin to carve out a greater capacity for your own self-love, for your own authenticity and for your own growth?
What is the “worst thing that’s ever happened” to you someday turns into the “best thing that’s ever happened” to you?
This simple re-frame may unlock a sense of compassion for yourself, greater curiosity about life itself, and a deeper available expression of appreciation for your partner as a catalyst for growth.
5. There’s no point in ever loving again.
The final belief that many of those learning how to get over someone is about the futility of romance: There’s no point to ever dating again; may as well get a cat.
However, this could be the moment in your life where everything begins to change for the better! The moment in your life where you have a chance to find yourself again.
This breakup may be the mirror that is finally revealing the part of you that needs to grow, to fully believe in yourself and feel solid on your own.
The truth is, if you want to love, you must continually risk over and over again. With time, you'll realize that the pain is not something to be avoided, but rather a reminder that you're alive and have the capacity to feel deeply.
After every storm is a rainbow, if you're willing to stay with it and trust in its passing.
The resilience, the power, the love that you'll gain access to through using this time as a self-development journey will pay dividends in all your future love endeavors.
You might be able to do this on your own, but many people find help with a life coach or professional.
If you're in need of help getting over your heartbreak, sign up at ClaytonOlsonCoaching.com and send Clayton a message.
Clayton Olson is an international Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner and Facilitator. He delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops. Register for his free webinar that reveals the 3 Keys to Attracting and Keeping a High-Quality Man or grab his free guide 8 Secrets To Create A Rock Solid Relationship, by clicking this link.