Does distance make the heart grow fonder — or is it out of sight and out of mind?
Whether we admit it or not, romance comes with a set of unwritten rules — laws we follow in order to win the dating game (and turn it into the mating game).
Among the most talked about of these rules is the one involving what to do during the post-breakup phase if you want to know how to get him back or how to get your ex boyfriend back.
Namely, the “No Contact After Breakup” rule.
The No Contact Rule is a concept that involves total separation.
The way it works is simple: After your relationship ends, you stop all communication with your ex for at least 21 days.
This means no seeing each other, no texting, no calling, no emailing, no liking posts on social media, no letters sent via smoke signals.
But is this no contact effective in reality instead of just in theory?
Many people worry that it isn’t, as they focus solely on their ex’s possible reaction to this lack of communication.
Will they hold a grudge?
Will they move on?
Will they run off to Vegas and marry the first person they see?
The problem with these questions is that they’re focused on inefficient or ineffective areas of the relationship. They’re also focused on the other person (the ex) rather than on your own perspective. And it is your perspective — and your focus on your own perspective — that is of the utmost importance.
When a partner leaves you, shifting your perspective is important. There are a few things to keep in mind in order to perpetuate this shift.
Here's how to make the “No Contact” rule successful for you:
First of all, the no contact rule isn’t used to make your ex miss you.
That may very well happen, but that’s not why you’re doing it. It’s for you — for you to learn more about yourself and the relationship in general.
By shifting the perspective and viewing it in this manner, you learn how to respect your partner’s choice to leave. You’re honoring their decision, which communicates strength, resolve, independence, and self-worth — all things that are very attractive.
Still, even if you’re communicating all of this, there is a fear of it falling on deaf ears.
In short, how does your ex know you’re super strong and awesome if you’re not talking to them, not seeing them, and not texting sweet nothings into their smartphone?
The answer: silence speaks volumes.
Even if you’re not communicating in the basic sense of the word, you’re still saying something. No matter what you’re doing (or not doing), you’re always communicating. Even when you’re not in direct contact, you’re still speaking through the no contact rule.
Your silence says more about who you are and the status of your character than going back to an ex ever will. Your refusal to call them or “accidentally” run into them at the grocery store says more than knocking on their door and begging for their return ever could.
Second, when you ask yourself, “Does having no contact work?” whatever you answer — yes or no — is automatically right.
It’ll work for you, or against you, depending on your level of effort.
It’s not a simple thing, of course. When someone you love blindsides you, hurts you, rips your heart from your chest and dances a jig on top of the right atrium, it sucks. But, with resilience, you’ll be among the no contact rule success stories.
The way to get him back is to focus on one thing: yourself (Yay, you!).
Do whatever you need to improve yourself in whatever way you’re able (all of us have something we can improve upon).
You might take up journaling or hire a life coach. You might find a new hobby or throw yourself into yoga. You might join a gym or a book club.
You might even consider talking to someone who is objective, someone other than your mother. Someone who can hold up a mirror and enable you to see the person you are juxtaposed against the person you want to be.
All too often in relationships, we become emotionally invested in a way that we begin to act in a certain manner. This can skew how we see things, preventing us from seeing what is right in front of us … including ourselves.
Three weeks — 21 days — is really nothing in the grand scheme of things.
It’s the blink of an eye. Anyone willing to dedicate themselves to the no contact rule can make it work for 504 measly hours.
Once you’ve successfully avoided communication with your ex for three weeks, and in the process shown them what a kick-ass person you truly are, deciding whether or not the relationship is something worth saving will come to you much more naturally.
It might be worth a second chance or it might not, but the break allows your decision to come from a balanced perspective — one of strength instead of desperation — and one of reason instead of fear.
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This article was originally posted in Yourtango.