Healing Abandonment Issues & Letting Go of Painful Patterns
Abandonment issues are an unwelcome third wheel that appear in many relationships.
And they’re the kind of third wheel that never spices things up. Rather, the fear of abandonment can doom a union before it really even begins. This is because abandonment issues play a role in the types of men you choose. When you let them dictate the way, you end up choosing the wrong guy, over and over again.
So, exactly how do abandonment issues sabotage your chance of love? Usually these issues manifest as different schemes and one of the most common is the Abandonment Schema.
This schema is when a woman (or a man, for that matter) feels as though they’re not worthy of the love they desire. It’s super common and a manifestation of our child-self entering into survival mode.
Women stuck in this mode shy away from men who they deem out of their league or too good for them. In their place, they substitute the wrong kind of man, one who might not give them much attention, one who might half-ass their way through a relationship, one who might not give them their presence or their time.
Or, perhaps, they find themselves drawn to men who need to be fixed or mothered, and they feel obligated to save them.
This substitution more than handcuffs the woman to a bad relationship; it also perpetuates a cycle—the woman believes she is unworthy of love, she picks a partner who withholds his attention, and, in the process, her fears are validated.
But this problem doesn’t always arise in the beginning of a relationship; it can happen in the middle of one too. In this instance, you may be with someone who is loving, attentive, and communicative in their own ways, but you might miss it.
You may see them as a tease or a fake or assume they’re being nice because they feel obligated. Either way, you’re seeing the relationship through your own insecurities. And that only leads to disconnection.
So, now that we know what makes a relationship fail, what makes a relationship work?
What secrets lie underneath those fifty-year marriages and happy unions?
What makes a rock-solid relationship rather than one on rocky ground?
How can you cultivate a relationship where you’re appreciated, respected, loved, desired, present, and connected?
The first step is to become aware of how the world is unfolding. Notice what is happening in your relationship, with a special focus on the parts you don’t want or aren’t consenting to. And then recognize your role in creating that dynamic by asking: What is it I might be doing that is allowing that dynamic to continue?
Now, this isn’t to say that this is your fault or that you’re doing something wrong—it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility. In that lies empowerment. Gaining awareness gives you control.
One thing you should focus on is boundaries: Are you drawing healthy boundaries that allow you to stay connected to yourself? It’s also important to get curious as to whether your actions are coming from a place of generosity rather than a place of giving to get.
And whether you’re imposing guilt on yourself. The latter area is of particular importance: If you find yourself in a pattern where you feel bad or hate yourself in some way, you will only perpetuate the cycle further.
Once you recognize one of the above as something you are doing, you’ll be able to see your part in perpetuating an unhealthy dating dynamic.
Having self-compassion is important as well. Often, people find themselves in these dangerous dynamics because of how their parents interacted; in short, we learn it from watching them.
Thus, have compassion for the child inside you. Realize that you only entered into this dynamic in the first place because you were trying to survive. Then, moving forward, approach the relationship with more curiosity and more openness.
Give yourself permission to release the old pattern from a place of love and understanding and ask yourself: How do I want this relationship to look?
Do you want to be open? Do you want to be generous? Do you want to give without expecting anything in return? How do you envision becoming your best self?
If you're keen to know more on this subject, check out the webinar. It's called The Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready: How to Attract and Keep a High-Quality Man. Click this link and you can find a time that works for you.
Clayton has been empowering individuals and couples from around the world to find harmony and authenticity in their relationships. With a background in Professional Coaching and Neuro Linguistic Programming, Clayton takes a holistic approach to carefully reconstructing what is truly possible for his clients. Through his work he has revitalized relationships, brought together lost loves, and witnessed clients find their soul mates. Clayton's content has been seen on Fox news magazine, Huffington post, the Goodmen project and he's even had an article featured on The View.