Since the beginning of time, we have played games between the genders — women versus men, men versus women. The victor is the one who gets their way.
But, as integral as game-playing may appear to be in a relationship, it’s not ideal.
In fact, it hurts more relationships than it helps.
If you’re wondering how to get your ex back, it’s worth hanging up your uniform and retiring from competition — the games are over.
Now, before we discuss how to get your boyfriend back or how to get your girlfriend back, take a second and consider if your partner is someone you really want to return to.
If it’s not an easy decision, take some time, get some space, and work with a therapist to decide your right path.
But, if you know you want to reconcile and truly learn how to fix a relationship, keep reading. There are a few easy tricks.
Breakups hurt. Our hearts ache when we can’t be with the ones we love.
Yet breakups help too. This is because they’re opportunities for your own transformation, and this is something that’s very powerful.
Breakups give you the chance to control only what you can: you.
With that, let’s discuss the five unusual, but effective, tips for reconciling with your ex and creating a second chance.
Tip 1: Don’t do too much, too soon.
When your partner breaks up with you, they are wanting space. They are making a declaration that they need perspective and that they need to walk away and collect themselves and truly experience what it's like to no longer have you in their life.
Many times, people break up with their partners because they are looking for clarity. Sometimes they're breaking up with them because they want nothing to do with them anymore, at least in the moment.
It is important that you honor that decision, and back away from them.
What this means is that you’ll need to deal with your emotions and work on your feelings of loss without their help. Perhaps you can work with a therapist, get trusted friends as your support group or maybe get help from a coach.
There’s a reason the breakup happened in the first place; respect that reason and give each other space. If you jump back into things as though nothing has changed, then nothing will change and you’ll want to break up again a few weeks later.
One of the first steps to rebuilding any type of second chance is to re-establish the trust and respect.
And by honoring their decision and respecting it by walking away, you communicate two things: one, that you trust yourself and that you trust their decision, and two, that you respect their ability to make a decision.
Tip 2: Avoid blaming or punishing yourself over the breakup.
Yes, you had a role in the breakup — it takes two to tango.
You may have done some things that didn't work, you may have been selfish, you may have taken the person for granted, you may have been ignorant to their feelings, and it's still not your fault.
Relationships require time to get right. And holding onto blame keeps you from moving forward.
Go easy on yourself and realize that you've made some mistakes, maybe they've made some mistakes as well, and it's okay.
When you stop blaming yourself you stop punishing yourself, it allows you to move forward it allows you to change.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should make the same mistakes again. Be wiser, this time around.
Tip 3: Don't throw rebounds in your ex's face.
This is much easier said than done; when we’re hurt, we want them to hurt too. But if you have hope of reconciling, this is a game that can’t be played.
Let’s say that the two of you are starting to rekindle your flame, but not as quickly as you’d like. You might get impatient and you think your ex will move things right along if they know there’s a potential someone else.
So, you do the logical thing: you post about this “someone else” on Facebook!
Maybe you mention a date you went on or how you were swept off your feet without the need for a broom.
It doesn’t matter what you post — it doesn’t matter if it’s a soliloquy that rivals Shakespeare — if it’s done in the name of jealously, it’ll only hurt instead of help. It’s not fair to the “someone else” either.
When you do this, you're not operating from your best self, you are operating from a part of you that wants to make the other person jealous. You want to hurt them. You want to instill fear in them so they fear that you might leave and then they come back.
The primary motivation for them coming back is not necessarily because they think things will be different, but it's because they're afraid of losing you.
And what will end up happening is once they've got you and they're no longer afraid of losing you, all those reasons why it didn't work the first time around will come rushing back to the forefront, and they’re going to break up with you again.
The overall caveat is this: no throwing rebounds in people's faces, stay single get some perspective.
Adding anybody else to this equation on your side is just going to confuse you, and will keep you from getting the perspective that you need in order to truly do the work necessary to start over and create a second chance.
Tip 4: Take responsibility in a way that touches your partner.
Take responsibility for your part in the breakup in a way that’s sincere.
Sorry isn’t always enough — you can’t truly convey your remorse without showing it.
You're going to have to dig and get down to the core dynamic that led to this breakup.
This requires vulnerability from you. But you’re in luck! Vulnerability in a union is a benefit, not a bane.
This will lead them to see you in a new light. Almost as if you are coming back to the table with an understanding of the dynamic so clear that they are meeting a version of you that perhaps they have not seen in years.
And that is how they can begin to see a second chance.
When you start taking responsibility for the breakup, it communicates to them you’re bringing clarity to the problem. Perhaps something that they haven’t seen yet ,that provides a full 360-degree view of what wasn’t working.
And then the two of you can start rolling up your sleeves and building something new from there.
Tip 5: Get outside help.
You don’t need to ask your ex to join you in marriage counseling; focus on you.
Solicit the services of a relationship coach or a life couch, someone that offers you their perspective from an objective seat.
Someone that helps you be the best version of yourself.
Reconciling is hard and it’s not a given; it takes commitment and dedication to that person and your needs and limitations.
And it takes a willingness to accept help along the way.
Ready to try to get your ex back? Clayton Olson offer two different guides that get you started. One is for men and one is for women. For men, the guide is called “5 No BS Truths to Saving Your Relationship. For women, the guide is called “3 Reasons Men Leave Women.”
This article was originally published in YourTango.