If I ask you, “how do you build a relationship that’s healthy and deeply intimate?” what would you answer?
You might say that you need to do things like have romantic dinners and deep conversations, spend lots of quality time together getting to know each other’s inner workings.
While those are all valid suggestions and might indeed lead to greater intimacy, I invite you to entertain the idea that it’s equally important to be missed in a relationship.
Of all the things we can be, one of the most important is “missed.” This may seem counter-intuitive.
You might say, “But Clayton, I need to be present in order to show him how wonderful I am. If I’m not around him then he’s more likely to forget about my fabulousness!”
And, to that I say, “Au contraire!”
One of the most powerful tools you have in the beginning of a relationship is that dynamic of yearning, of desiring and thinking about each other constantly, and that can’t happen if you’re always together.
In fact, the opposite might happen. It might be that he realizes he needs some space from you, the exact opposite result of what you’re trying to create.
So, the importance of breathing room cannot be over-emphasized. Space is that key element that helps the romance and passion burn brightly, especially in the early days of a relationship.
So, how do you tackle this in a healthy way, with maximum impact? How do you get him to miss you with the passion of a thousand suns? Or, perhaps, just enough to ask you out again?
Ultimately, there are three ways to make him miss you in a manner that is healthy and beneficial to your relationship. If you follow these three steps, you’ll leave him thinking about you, desiring your presence, and coming back for more.
Step 1: Take Full Responsibility for Your Happiness
This is an interesting romantic myth in our culture that it’s our partner’s job to make us happy. And if they’re not happy, somehow, we are failing them.
In truth, this is nonsense.
While the idea that others make us happy is well spun – “He makes me so happy” or “She completes me” — in reality, it’s a load of dating doo-doo. Why? Because happiness is an inside job —completely and 100% our own individual responsibility.
If we fail to take responsibility for our own happiness, we make someone else (our partner), the culpable party. And that is a breeding ground for resentment. The second we’re unhappy, we point our fingers in their direction, blaming them for our lack of fulfillment.
It’s one of the quickest ways to make a relationship come crumbling to the ground.
So, how do we avoid assigning our joy to other people and keep it in our control? Get in touch with the things you love, take care of yourself, find value and self-worth outside of your relationship (be it through a hobby, at your job, or through volunteer work), and stop blaming others when things go wrong (or you’re feeling low).
Once you do that, you become someone who no longer needs to be rescued, or pulled out of a rut of despondence. He can breathe a sigh of relief because he doesn’t feel the weight of obligation to save you and “fix” your emotional state. You no longer need your partner to assume the role of hero, and you as damsel in emotional distress.
You instead become a partner, a true equal in the eyes of the person you’re dating. It liberates you and your significant other by making respective happiness an inside job.
And that allows you both the chance to offer the greatest gifts you can in any romantic union: the best versions of yourselves.
Step 2: Trust Him
Trust is one of those things that’s fickle – when people prove themselves untrustworthy, continuing to trust them is foolish. However, until your partner gives you no reason not to, assume the best of them.
Trust is among the most critical ingredients in a long-lasting relationship.
Trust is one of the most important gifts you can give a man. When you trust him, you allow him to demonstrate his integrity.
When you trust him, you are choosing to no longer to see him through your own insecurities.
Rather, you are choosing to allow him to create himself as the best and highest version of himself. You are holding that vision for him to step into and that in turn fuels his desire to be his best.
When you trust him, you’re more OK with him pulling away a bit to individuate, to take a breath and some time for himself, knowing that he’ll come back more balanced, refueled. and ready to connect.
Step 3: Bring in Emotions and Play
For most men, emotional depths are unexplored territory. They allow themselves to feel the socially acceptable, “masculine” emotions of pride, anger, lust, etc., but other feelings which might be considered “feminine” are largely off limits. They remain buried deep down in, quite literally, no-man’s land.
Women, on the other hand, are emotional superstars, blessed with way more emotional flexibility than their masculine counterparts. In our culture, it’s acceptable for women to feel the full gamut of emotions, and to express them openly. Use this to your advantage.
As a woman, you can invite your man to join you in a rich world of experience and feelings that he may have disowned ever since childhood. Part of him is craving that deep dive into this long lost emotional territory.
A woman who is not afraid to express herself, to share her vulnerabilities, to play and flirt and tease, to joke around, to tell him what she thinks, to cry or be afraid, is wildly attractive.
This kind of emotional expression invites the man to be present, to slow down, to stop being so future-oriented, to stop thinking about goals or making money. It’s an invite to step out of the mold society has designated for him, and to take a break and smell the proverbial roses.
He gets to vicariously live and feel through her, and she actually gets him to open up and feel things that he may not have allowed himself to feel for a long time. There is a priceless value in that.
Play, and the act of being in comfortably embodied is something men are very cut off from. Women on the whole tend to be more embodied, more comfortable in their own sensuality. Introducing play and sensuality is another surefire way to get him into the present.
Most importantly, it gets him out of his head and into his heart. If you want him to miss you, the heart is exactly where you want to be.
If you’d like more on this subject, check out the upcoming webinar The Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready – How to Attract and Keep a High-Quality Man. You can click this link and find a time that works for you.